you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
