this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
