I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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