we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
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We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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