my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
