the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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