He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
