you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When did angry sex become our thing?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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