you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
17 year olds will be the death of me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my poor anus
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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