why didn't you poke me back
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
