Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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