I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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