God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
