Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
