there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
