The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
