right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her