i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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