I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wrigley field is MILF paradise
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
