It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
