One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
