I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
