Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
