Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
