i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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