I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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