woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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