at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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