he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
