Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
