You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
