If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
