Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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