You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
FUCK WHALES
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
