So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
