I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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