Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
