drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
