so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
