remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
