The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
