just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
