I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
