clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
