she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
