Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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