Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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