if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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