Can i not drive my cunt home
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
