A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
