i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
