I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
