Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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