i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We are two peas in an std pod
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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