It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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